This one’s for me

I’ve read in fantasy books about the ability to divide your mind into compartments so an enemy could never crack your free will. Doing this would lock up a couple of your key elements into a room, locked with only one key. And that key can not be found by the one trying to get secrets out.

Before today, there were days I wished some fantasy things could become reality. But now, if I could choose one and only one, I would choose for that ability.

It would be great to lock up my self respect so I could give in to the sadness. So I can just let myself go without the hurt that always follows.

I figured it couldn’t be true.
I would be too damn easy to find someone who could check off all boxes on the list I had made up in my mind.
But she does exist. and going on a pursuit without locking up the parts that define me would surely change me.

This one’s for you

While we talked I got that strange, warm feeling inside I’ve grown to love and hate.
The feeling that this young friendship could become more than just a friendship.
The strange, all overwhelming feeling that the smile your eyes just showed me was more then just a smile to laugh at that ridiculous joke I just made.

The feeling that you could be more to me than just a friend.
The feeling that made me wonder how the sweet touch of your lips on mine would feel, how it would taste, what I would smell, how the air would tremble at a different rate.
It got me hoping that there could be a change in karma.

At least we talked

At least we talked

this dizzy feeling

Someone has turned me around, turned me in a circle a million times.
I am hopelessly lost, my vision blurred and my sense of balance is gone.
I can hear though, so hopefully your voice will guide me.

Shout, I’ll follow the sound and I’ll try to reach you.
Hold my hand, I’ll use your steadiness to get there.
Talk to me and let me know I’ll be fine.
Please tell me I’ll be fine, because this dizzy feeling isn’t wearing off.

Tell me we’ll be fine. Give me the feeling I can tell you how I really feel.

It’s odd how suddenly I’ve come back to trusting you. It’s weird to see how I’ve thrown all friendly advice and caution in the wind and I drifted right back to you when the opportunity rose.
There’s only one good reasoning for doing that, and that is that we’re not just a short thing, we’re not something small.
We’re not just a small chance.

Closer to positive

I don’t think you know how much I care.
I doubt you care to know, but I’m going to step out of the box of expectancy and say it anyway.

You’ve got me reaching out.
I’ve grown into this other level of waiting. Waiting for the moment where I can finally tell you how and why I feel.

There’s no way I can go on like this indefinitely, I do enjoy our conversations and I enjoy being around you. But it’s not enough. There’ll be a point soon where I just have to cave in and either tell you how I feel or give up on feelings again.
I’m not prepared to choose the latter, I want to push trough on this.

Then again, there’s no use in just telling you how I feel when those feelings are not going to be returned.
Give me a hint, let me know that I’ve possibly got a chance to change how you feel.


Ik denk aan je. Ik vind je leuk
Ik geef om je, ik wil je laten lachen.
Want die lach, die prachtige lach, die doet plassen opdrogen en laat de zon schijnen. Je lach alleen al kan mijn dag goed maken.
Ik hoop dat je soms lacht omdat je je veilig kan voelen bij mij. Dat je een positief gevoel hebt nadat ik je zeg dat je op me kan bouwen. En dat je dat ook gelooft.
Van zodra ik dat zeg, en dat ik je leuk vindt. Dan hoop ik dat je niet lacht uit ongeloof.

Ik hoop dat je dan, op z’n minst kan geloven dat ik dat meen. Je kan me vertrouwen. Ik zal er misschien niet altijd fysiek voor je zijn maar je mag me best bellen. Je mag me zeggen wat er op je maag ligt.
Je kan me alles toevertrouwen, ik zal luisteren en er als steunpilaar blijven zijn. Want dit is geen snel dovende vlam. Eerder een bosbrand die met man en macht niet te stoppen valt.

We still have time.

We still have time


Surrounded by interesting and fun company and still unable to think clearly.
Engaged in profound conversations but unable to keep your mind off that one person.
You know there’s a problem in your rationale when she’s all in your thoughts.

She seems to have put me back into the old street of no self control, she made me go from independent and criticizing to boring and singleminded.
She makes me forget the problems of the world by just smiling or talking.

I want to change this, but I don’t want the feeling to be different. I want to make this right and tell her what’s up.

She has to know what’s going on in my mind, but preferably without a disastrous ending.
People around me keep on saying that there’s a good chance for this to be a big failure, that I shouldn’t jump to conclusions and let her talk to me first. The fear of being wrong agrees with them, the love for her disagrees. I am unable to make a clear choice about whether or not it’s a good idea to go all out.

I really want to bite the bullet and tell her how I feel. But they’re probably right I’ll choke on the leftover pieces of the bullet.

I can’t just let this slide either, I don’t want to be wasting time without her.

Alone in an abandoned city

Alone in an abandoned city,
all houses have open doors but none of them has people inside.

Wandering trough the streets it seems difficult to make the right calls about what streets to go in and what way is forward.

I try to walk towards my goal, the tallest building of all of them on the top level is a bright, shining light.
The building seems to keep on moving, I walk in one direction only to find that it’s changed position. I do seem to get closer to it but it feels as if I am solving a puzzle. I could do with a map to get there.

I just wonder if my answers are there and if I really want to rush there to find them. And when I find the answers, will I be pleased about them?


Ik durfde het niet. Ik zag de fouten in.
De problemen die er zouden komen schenen kristalhelder.
Vandaag, weken nadat ik die beslissing maakte zie ik mezelf weer in datzelfde, doodlopende straatje.
Weeral ben jij degene die in mijn gedachten opduikt.
Ben ik echt bang om nieuwe dingen en mensen te ontdekken?
Of waarom is het dat je zo bent doorgedrongen in mijn gedachten.

Moet ik actief op zoek gaan of zal het antwoord binnenwaaien?

A wreck that’s been waiting to happen


OK, It’s alright. I’ve given up.

It sounds so harsh and without hope, but it’s the truth.
You and me, it’s not going to happen.
I’ll turn the desire back to the dream, I’ll stow away the feelings.

You haven’t given me any hints as to why but the hints towards `no` are more then clear enough. I don’t want to look even more embarrassed then what’s happened so far.

I can’t just ban you out of my life, if only I could.

I’ll see you around.



World wonders


Alone and empty



Pukkelpop streepjes!

De bovenste streepjes geven aan wat ik had verwacht van de band, die eronder hoe ze goed ik ze uiteindelijk vond.




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